DEAR GOD

Dear God, In my twenty three years of life, I have called Your name innumerable number of times, sometimes consciously, sometimes just out of habit, sometimes even just as an expression. I have been through good and bad times. I have thanked You whenever happiness came my way, perfectly certain that it was Your hand that brought me that wonderful gift. I have questioned You why, when things went the wrong way, again perfectly certain that it was Your doing. But never in these years have I ever stopped believing in You. My childhood, now only like a picture to me, shaped my thoughts and my beliefs about you. Brought up in a moderately religious Bhraman household, my first introduction to Your divinity was through my mother, who asked me to "Jai Jai karo" (Pay homage to God) when I woke up every morning, and I obeyed like a dutiful daughter, joining my sleepy hands towards the line of pictures, which my mother told me were impressions of Yours, and chanted a little Sanskrit shloka whose meaning I did not understand. When I reached school, I sent up another prayer, in another language, to another God and sang a hymn. I always liked the hymns, they gave me peace. I don't know if it was because, it was a prayer, or was it the music that I liked. Then the day would roll from English, to Science to Mathematics, to Geography, History and Moral Science. More than once each day I would encounter religion, secularism, communalism, prophets, fairies, miracles. The world was trying to tell me about You in a plethora of languages, through various stories, facts and myths. I did not quarrel with them. I did not want to choose between them, I wanted to choose You instead. I loved the epics, Ramayana and Mahabharata, which I came to know from the stories my father told me and the serials aired on Doordarshan. I loved the nativity story, that was enacted each year on Christmas in our school. I was enchanted with the miracles, and I believed they were true. My history books introduced me to Buddha, Mahavira, Muhammad the Prophet, and Guru Nanak. I was enchanted by the piety of Mira Bai, and the humanity of Sant Kabeer, the delirious devotion of Ramakrishna Paramhansa . I believed if I tried a bit hard I can be as close to You as they were. I believed when Moral Science books told that all religions lead to the same God. I was proud to know that ours is a secular country where every religion is treated as equal. Even after all the conflicting thoughts, theories and beliefs I came across, I never contested Your existence. I never disbelieved the different versions. But being of a very scientific disposition right from my childhood, what I did try was to find out about the origin of each belief, the rationale of each story. I tried to live in each of the ages when beliefs were being shaped throughout history. I tried to find, how much had people known about the earth, the sun, the moon, the universe, about the existence of other cultures, about the existence of other planets, in various periods of civilization. I wondered what would my story be if I really did not know that the earth is round and is revolving on its axis and causing the night to run after the day and vice versa. I don't not claim that I visited libraries and did extensive research on these subjects, and there was no internet around in those days. My sources were, History and Moral Science books, sometimes stories in English, Hindi text books, historical shows, epics and mythological serials on television, and discussions with my friends who all belonged to different religions, spoke different languages and had different set of beliefs. I remember a brief period that I did question Your existence, but that was because I was trying to ape my brother, and he was doing it to feel cool maybe. But I soon realized that there are numerous unanswered questions and I don't have answers to them. Considering our scientific progress till then, I conjectured that I would not get answers to those questions even in my life time. So I needed You, needed You to save me from those questions, just like my ancestors. But You had to be different for me, from what You were for them, for I knew more about the various mysteries of the universe than they did. At different times in my life I drew different pictures of Yours, each time laying the bricks of my knowledge on the scaffold of my imagination cementing them with my belief in You. When I was quiet young, about 8 years old, my favorite belief, though borrowed, was that You lived in every living creature, though in parts, but each part being a whole You. I loved trees, birds and beetles. I loved flowers, I loved animals, I loved the wild grass and the tiny little wild flowers. And so this belief was only apt, for it assured me that You were in me too. At about the age of twelve newer mysteries started unfolding in the little world inside my mind. The atom, being the smallest part of matter. The electrons revolving eternally around the nucleus under the attraction of protons. Why? Who makes them move? What is this attraction. Then again, why should You reside only in living creatures. Why not the non-living things. After all, even in non living objects, the tiny electrons go around the nucleus under a mad attraction, destined to do so for eternity. And how long, how desperately long eternity is. Life is probably just some chemical reactions. A weird idea struck me one day. Perhaps You are the atom, that small living body in everything living and non living object. Some mysterious power You have, You pervade the entire universe, not just our earth. You must be the creator of all. I don't have any arguments to defend this now. Few years later, I went through this harrowing time called adolescence. So many times I felt so utterly friendless. I remember I had written a letter to You, asking You to be my friend. And so You have been for me all these years. Like a friend, I have ignored You, and taken You for granted. Like a friend You have listened to me whenever I had anything to say. But today, there is a little more color that I want to add in this picture I made. You are my strength when it fails, You are my hope when it dies, You are my support when I fall. In other words You are my faith. help me God plzz plzzz..Help Me I need strength,I need power,I need you,I feel Lonaly ,I feel week..plzzz..Lord Help me give me an answer to my prayer..Lord plz Help Me.