It is that terrible terrible time of the year again. And the worst part, I am standing at the other side of the threshold this time. It is quite sometime now, that I have been bitten by the nostalgia bug and as the days are rushing past I am almost losing my nerves. Every corner, every tree, every bit of soil, the doors, the windows seem to me like frames drifting in front of my eyes. And in those frames I either see myself, one, two, three, four, five years back or I see them like reels of a movie playing in front of my eyes, that I can only watch but not participate in. As I sit up this night, the thoughts are impossible to ward off. And now I must write this or I will probably never be able to sleep again (ok, I will sleep in the morning :D).
Really does it have to be this difficult? Why do I have to fight tears two to three times daily and let them out once in every three four days? And it is getting worse everyday. For everyday, nay every hour I realize how much I love everyone here. Everyone. My friends, the best friends I ever had. My juniors, whom I have laughed with, advised, scolded, joked. I realize I love even the ones I do not know by name. And why, because they remind me of someone I was. Someone I have almost forgotten. It has been so terribly long, this stay in this amazing place. Boy, I have grown from a girl to a woman. I was a girl once, it is so so difficult to believe. And now, I have lost so much of myself. I have lost fear, I have lost the sense of suspense, the fantasies of unknown. Life has become mathematics, add, subtract, differentiate into little parts and integrate and presto, its your life. Wow I have a job, wow i,ll be independent. I guess I would not know as many people so well in my entire life as I have known in this 16 month.
I am scared ! Scared to death. How am I supposed to move on? How many times in life do I have to move on? First time I moved on, I almost lost my sanity, what next ?
And even after ranting all this, and a feeling of frustration sweeping over me for I have ran out of more words, I feel I should go on writing, for so huge is this feeling, its almost like a deluge, and I need my sleep.
I don't don't don't want to leave all this. Can you stop time? please? And after typing it out I realize the stupidity of the whole thing. Of course I am meant to go, like all of them before me, like the ones who would leave after me. It has got to be this way. Life's just begun. I had become too comfortable with the false start 16 month ago. Its time now to finally bury the corpse of that little girl who walked up flyover bridge at the world's longest platform, with the rain beating lustily over the corrugated sheets, one sultry summer afternoon. Oh I can still smell it. Does it have to be this difficult? whatever neway just being lil' senti nd emotion :( so blurt out on my post it's allready another day the time is 5:00 in the morning nd from my side time 2 say nite nite untill i write next post.:((
Wednesday 30 July, 2008
DIFFCULT :((
It is that terrible terrible time of the year again. And the worst part, I am standing at the other side of the threshold this time. It is quite sometime now, that I have been bitten by the nostalgia bug and as the days are rushing past I am almost losing my nerves. Every corner, every tree, every bit of soil, the doors, the windows seem to me like frames drifting in front of my eyes. And in those frames I either see myself, one, two, three, four, five years back or I see them like reels of a movie playing in front of my eyes, that I can only watch but not participate in. As I sit up this night, the thoughts are impossible to ward off. And now I must write this or I will probably never be able to sleep again (ok, I will sleep in the morning :D).
Really does it have to be this difficult? Why do I have to fight tears two to three times daily and let them out once in every three four days? And it is getting worse everyday. For everyday, nay every hour I realize how much I love everyone here. Everyone. My friends, the best friends I ever had. My juniors, whom I have laughed with, advised, scolded, joked. I realize I love even the ones I do not know by name. And why, because they remind me of someone I was. Someone I have almost forgotten. It has been so terribly long, this stay in this amazing place. Boy, I have grown from a girl to a woman. I was a girl once, it is so so difficult to believe. And now, I have lost so much of myself. I have lost fear, I have lost the sense of suspense, the fantasies of unknown. Life has become mathematics, add, subtract, differentiate into little parts and integrate and presto, its your life. Wow I have a job, wow i,ll be independent. I guess I would not know as many people so well in my entire life as I have known in this 16 month.
I am scared ! Scared to death. How am I supposed to move on? How many times in life do I have to move on? First time I moved on, I almost lost my sanity, what next ?
And even after ranting all this, and a feeling of frustration sweeping over me for I have ran out of more words, I feel I should go on writing, for so huge is this feeling, its almost like a deluge, and I need my sleep.
I don't don't don't want to leave all this. Can you stop time? please? And after typing it out I realize the stupidity of the whole thing. Of course I am meant to go, like all of them before me, like the ones who would leave after me. It has got to be this way. Life's just begun. I had become too comfortable with the false start 16 month ago. Its time now to finally bury the corpse of that little girl who walked up flyover bridge at the world's longest platform, with the rain beating lustily over the corrugated sheets, one sultry summer afternoon. Oh I can still smell it. Does it have to be this difficult? whatever neway just being lil' senti nd emotion :( so blurt out on my post it's allready another day the time is 5:00 in the morning nd from my side time 2 say nite nite untill i write next post.:((
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